Thor, the mightiest of all the gods, loved three things: fighting giants, eating enormous meals, and his magical hammer, Mjolnir. Every night, he tucked Mjolnir under his pillow like a teddy bear. It could smash mountains, summon lightning, and always flew back to his hand like a boomerang.
One morning, Thor reached under his pillow and felt... nothing. He looked left. He looked right. He threw his blankets across the room. Mjolnir was GONE! "MY HAMMER!" Thor bellowed so loudly that every bird in Asgard fell off its branch.
Thor stormed through the golden halls of Asgard, turning over tables and looking under chairs. "Has anyone seen my hammer?!" he roared. The other gods shook their heads nervously. Without Mjolnir, Asgard had no defence against the giants.
Loki, the trickster, offered to help. He borrowed Freya's magical falcon cloak, transformed into a bird, and flew to the land of the Giants. He searched high and low until he found Thrym, the King of the Frost Giants, sitting on a hill, braiding his dog's hair.
"Looking for something?" Thrym grinned, showing his crooked yellow teeth. "I stole Thor's little hammer. It's buried eight miles underground, and nobody will EVER find it!" Loki's feathers ruffled. "What do you want for it?" Thrym's piggy eyes went dreamy. "I want to marry the beautiful goddess Freya."
Loki flew back to Asgard with the bad news. "Thrym wants Freya as his bride," Loki announced. "Simple!" said Thor. "Freya, put on a wedding dress!" Everyone turned to look at Freya. Her left eye twitched.
"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Freya screamed so loudly that the walls shook. She stomped her foot and her famous golden necklace, Brisingamen, snapped off her neck and flew across the room. "I would rather fight every giant in the universe than marry that disgusting, ice-bearded, dog-braiding OAF!"
The gods sat in silence. Without Mjolnir, they were doomed. Then Heimdall, the watchman with golden eyes, cleared his throat. "I have an idea," he said calmly. "We don't send Freya. We dress THOR as the bride." The room went very, very quiet.
"NO!" Thor's face went as red as his beard. "ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am the God of Thunder! I don't wear dresses!" Loki put his arm around Thor's massive shoulder. "Would you rather wear a dress for one evening... or lose your hammer forever?" Thor opened his mouth. Then he closed it. Then he groaned.
And so the most ridiculous makeover in history began. They squeezed Thor into Freya's white wedding dress. The seams screamed for mercy. They hung Freya's golden necklace around his thick neck. They put a lace veil over his angry red face. They placed a crown of flowers on top of his wild red hair. He looked like a very furious wardrobe.
"I'll be your bridesmaid!" said Loki, twirling into a blue dress. He actually looked quite pretty. "Stop enjoying this," Thor growled from behind his veil. "I'm going to remember every single person who laughed today." Nobody laughed out loud, but several gods bit their lips very hard.
Thor and Loki rode a chariot pulled by Thor's two goats across the sky to Giantland. Lightning flashed and mountains trembled as they crossed into the frozen realm. "Remember," whispered Loki, "you are the beautiful Freya. Be gentle. Be graceful." Thor gripped the chariot so hard it cracked. "I hate this plan."
Thrym had decorated his entire fortress with ice flowers and frozen ribbons. When he saw the 'bride' arrive, he clapped his enormous hands with glee. "My darling Freya has come!" he squealed, hopping from foot to foot. His frost giant guests cheered and banged their fists on the tables.
The wedding feast was enormous. Mountains of roasted meat, towers of bread, and rivers of mead filled the great hall. Thrym watched adoringly as his 'bride' sat down. Thor looked at the food. His stomach growled like a bear. "Just a tiny bite," he told himself.
Thor ate an entire roasted ox. Then eight whole salmon. Then every single cake and pastry on the table. He washed it all down with three barrels of mead. Thrym stared with his mouth hanging open. "Goodness! I have never seen a lady eat so much!"
Loki leaned forward with a sweet smile. "Oh, poor dear Freya has been SO excited about this wedding that she hasn't eaten in eight whole days!" Thrym nodded slowly. "Ah! That makes sense. My bride must really love me!" Under the veil, Thor burped.
Thrym leaned in to kiss his bride and lifted the veil just a tiny bit. He jumped back in terror! "Why are Freya's eyes burning like two balls of FIRE?!" Thor was glaring at him with so much fury that the candles flickered.
Quick as a flash, Loki stepped in again. "Oh, poor dear Freya has been SO excited about this wedding that she hasn't SLEPT in eight days either! Her eyes are just a little tired!" Thrym scratched his icy beard. "My poor darling! We must finish the ceremony quickly so she can rest!"
Thrym called for the hammer. "Bring Mjolnir! We shall place it on the bride's lap to bless this marriage, as is the tradition of the giants!" A dozen frost giants carried the mighty hammer into the hall and placed it gently on Thor's knees. Thor's fingers touched the familiar handle. A smile spread under his veil.
Thor leaped to his feet and ripped off the veil. "SURPRISE!" he roared with the biggest grin in the Nine Worlds. Lightning exploded from Mjolnir. Thunder shook the fortress. Thrym's face went from love-struck to terrified in half a second. "That's... that's not Freya," he whispered.
Thor swung his hammer left and right. Tables flew! Chairs shattered! Frost giants ran in every direction, slipping on ice and crashing into each other. Thrym tried to hide behind his throne, but Thor tapped him on the head with Mjolnir like bonking a nail. The King of the Frost Giants saw stars and crumpled to the ground.
Loki watched from the doorway, still wearing his bridesmaid dress and eating a stolen pastry. "Lovely wedding," he said, brushing crumbs off his blue skirt. "Wonderful ceremony. I especially enjoyed the part where you ate the entire buffet." Thor threw the flower crown at his head.
Thor and Loki rode back to Asgard as heroes. The gods cheered so loudly that the Rainbow Bridge vibrated. Thor held Mjolnir high in the air, lightning dancing across the sky. He never, EVER let that hammer out of his sight again.
And from that day on, whenever someone asked Thor about the time he wore a wedding dress, his face went red, his eye twitched, and he would say: "We agreed NEVER to speak of that." But Loki always remembered. And he never, ever let Thor forget.
